Forcing Out Inner Strengths

I have decided to go for the gusto and write a very personal journal entry. This is against everything I am comfortable doing, but I am not one to sugar coat my journals. I prefer to be open and honest in all things I do. It is just that I don't always want people to know what a twit I can be at times. ha ha.

I had a review at work a couple of weeks ago, and it was great. My manager had lots of good things to say to me. During this review, my manager said that our team at work had the best moral of any other team in the place. Other managers and staff had commented on the same thing. Then he said something that really hit me hard, but in a good way. He said that a large part of the reason that our team has such good moral is because of me. My never-ending positive, cheerful, upbeat attitude is contagious to everyone else on the team. He said I play a large part in being a leader amongst our team. Quite a compliment, and I am grateful for it.

At church, I teach classes once a month. Members tell me they are always so excited when I teach because they enjoy my lessons and what is taught. They say that my style of teaching is unlike any other and that my confidence and passion for what I teach shows through. They also like how I am not afraid to include intimate, personal examples into my lessons. One lady told me a couple of weeks ago that it is impossible to sleep through one of my lessons because I get everyone thinking about the topic, and can often initiate great discussions amongst the members. Even when it is a topic that gets discussed on a regular basis.

I thoroughly enjoy teaching the Monday/Wednesday beginner kung fu class. I walk in feeling confident, and positive about the experience that not only my students will have, but that I will have also. The class is always enjoyable for me to teach and I am happy to be there. I feel like a leader, and my students look up to me for support.

Here is my dilemma. I walk into my Friday night class, and instantly my emotions are a mess. I am nervous, intimidated, a bit scared, and then eventually all this leads to anger, and a negative attitude. I do not enjoy the time there, and am anxious to leave. I feel totally out of my comfort zone.

I have recognized this for some time now, but it wasn't until my review at work that it hit me...only at my Friday night class do I feel this way. Even at the climbing gym, I don't feel at all nervous or intimidated. I am a novas, surrounded by a lot of very experienced climbers. Yet, I am comfortable, and to me the atmosphere is pleasant. I always have a very good time, and a positive experience, even when I fall in front of the crowd.

I know that my experiences at the Friday classes are because of my own inner feelings, and no fault of anyone in the class. Therefore, I recognise that the solution must come from within me. I am struggling to find a way to walk into the class with enough confidence to dissolve the feelings of being intimidated, and yet keep humility so I remain teachable. I know there must be a balance between these two. I also know that I have the strength within me to overcome this. My strengths as a leader are visible in other aspects of my life, so why can't I find them on Friday nights?

This issue is a very important one to me because it affects the rest of my training. It affects how I feel about myself as a martial artist. If I feel that I am inferior to the rest of the class, I tend to focus more on being aware of who is watching me, and noticing my mistakes, than I am on doing proper technique. The only person I should be worried about is myself. ..and my partner, if I happen to be working with one at the time. I should be focused on how my body is moving, how the moves feel, how they feel to me when I watch them being demonstrated, and how the technique would apply to realism. All these things I miss out on because my focus is too far in other directions.

How do I fix this? That is something that my journey is still about. I am looking for a solution. Does that solution need to come further than just forcing a positive attitude whenever I walk into class. I think it does. I think the solution has to come from somewhere deeper, because the issues at hand, seem to be deep below the surface. I have been cursed with a mind that dwells mostly below the surface in a lot of cases. It goes deep beyond everyday thinking. I have never liked this about myself because it makes everyday issues sometimes seem like a burden too heavy to bare. Not just my issues, but the pain and suffering of those around me as well. ANYWAYS...I am starting to ramble and so must close with just this thought. Something needs to be done. Something must be done. And it needs to be done within myself.