Who is she?

I have thought a lot this week about who I am, and why am I here, and why am I here now. I am a firm believer in a connection between everyone and all things. I am constantly asking myself, am I doing what I should be doing? Am I living up to my potential as a human being in this vast expanse that we call a world? Do I change the lives of others enough to really make a difference?

Far too often I judge my worth in the martial arts, by the recognition that others around me receive. Some days I feel like I play no part at all in the whole realm of the kung fu school. My life is such right now that I want to be selfish with what little "free" time I have. Most days it feels like all I do is work at my two jobs, do my physical workout, take care of my home and kids, sleep, and start all over again the next day. I could find time to do more, but I don't want to. Do I feel guilty about not being a part of more at the kung fu school? Sure I do. But I always find ways to justify my reasons. I don't believe in overfilling my plate so much that I can't take moments to enjoy my life. Besides, if I am to take on something, I have to give it my all. I don't believe in saying yes, but then only doing a partial job. It's all or nothing. I do not enjoy constantly having something that I MUST do, so why push myself to that extent? In the past few months, I have made a commitment to myself, to really and truly enjoy my life. To make time to do the things that bring me joy. Life is far too short to just "let it happen" I prefer to make it happen.

When I choose to get involved in something, it has to be because I really want to engage in that activity, not because I am looking for recognition. It used to bother me to not get recognised for some of the things I did, but I have recently realised, and come to peace with the fact that some things just don't matter. Being recognised for winning awards at competitions, writing the best blog, doing the best technique, are all meaningful in a way that is self gratifying. But what really makes those things successful, is if and when they inspire others.

I have come to this realization that for me to want personal recognition is such a selfish thing. It may change me, (temporarily) but does it do anything to change the world? I don't want to be recognised for having the nicest stances in my forms. I guess I don't really want to be recognised by others at all. I do, however, want to recognise within myself that I reached out and helped a child feel they have self worth. That I have made someones day by smiling, or offering a helping hand. That I have cheered up a friend, who was feeling very down. I can't find the cure for cancer, but I can, every day, reach out to everyone I come in contact with. Maybe they don't need me, but maybe in some small way, there are those that do. It is not for me to judge who does and who doesn't. It is just up to me to show compassion, tolerance, and understanding to everyone.

Working with kids in the inner city schools a couple years ago was very rewarding to me. I felt I made a difference in the lives of those kids who otherwise never knew what it felt like to be hugged, appreciated, or understood. I still wonder if what I did was enough. Working with those kids was a win/win situation, because of what those kids also did for me. They have left their mark on me that will never fade.

I will always be the first to notice my own faults. Wanting recognition used to be one of them. It no longer is. It is not about looking to see who I am, but rather looking and seeing who you are.