Me, Myself, and I

It's the middle of the night, and I have to be up for work at 5:00 am. So why am I unable to sleep? There are far too many things going around in this head of mine. I tried meditating, but was unable to force my focus long enough to relax. One of the things on my mind is my ongoing search to find the real and true me. Not who I think I am, but who I really and truly am, naturally, without trying to be or pretend to be someone else.

My daughter showed me a tag on her face book, which asked her to list some things about herself. This got me thinking about what I would list about my own self. Without sugar coating it, here is an honest, and open list of things about..."me"

1. I am 45, (46 in May), 5' 4", and 130 Lbs.
2. I am a baptized member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, but at the present time have a weak testimony of some of it's teachings and principles. I do however, know that God, and Jesus Christ live.
3. I am afraid of the dark.
4. I am very compassionate, kind, and easily empathize towards others.
5. I am often very shy outside of my comfort zone, and have been told that this comes across to others as being a snob.
6. I have a dream of one day learning how to ballroom dance. I love dancing!
7. I love to read and my favorite books are historical fiction.
8. I enjoy doing family history, and have traced my grandmothers side of the family back to 1636.
9. My favorite food group is ice cream. LOL! My second favorite is Chinese food.
10. I love the mountains and miss them terribly. It is in the mountains that I feel most like myself, and as if I belong there, and always at peace.
11. I have 4 amazing kids: 3 girls and 1 boy.
12. I have survived years of sexual abuse as a child and years of emotional abuse as an adult. I am eternally grateful for the personal strengths, and characteristics, that experiencing these obstacles have given me.
13. I never swear, even when I get angry, and I have a hard time staying angry for any length of time.
14. I still miss my border collie "Morgan", who has been gone for 5 years now.
15. I am terrified of getting old alone.
16. I am passionate about kung fu, and want so much to be better at it.
17. I struggle with always feeling guilty, and although I have come a long ways in the last 9 years, my self esteem needs work.
18. I am a very deep thinker, and this often makes life harder for me. When I hear of a tragedy on the news, for days, or even weeks, I will think about the families involved and what they must be going through. My heart literally aches for them, and it saddens me.
19. Master Brinker is my hero, and I wish there were more heroes like him in the world.
20. I need to be loved, but, I feel an even more important need TO LOVE.
21. I feel sorrow that my dad has never met my kids, and although he shows no interest in me, I wish I could spend time with him, and tell him I love him.
22. I love and respect my children, and they have always been my reason to keep living when I have felt I didn't want to. I have always been an awesome mother, and am grateful to know that my kids would agree.
23. I love animals, and although I chase cougars in the winter, I am terrified of bears. They are my constant occurrence of nightmares. The only other thing I have nightmares about is that I am in a war and the enemy is looking for me. I hide anywhere I can think of in an attempt not to be found. Sometimes behind my bedroom door, which seems silly.
24. I am passionate about the concept of it taking an entire village to raise a child.
25. I have kept a personal journal for about 30 years, but hate journaling on line. One day I want to write a book about my life story in an attempt to give hope to others who need it in their life.
26. I get intimidated by others easily, usually because I feel they are better than me.
27. My very most favorite outdoor activity is tromping around in the bush when there is lots of snow. I also love photography, gardening, hiking, camping, mountain biking, playing cards wiyh my kids, scrap booking, and working with wood.
28. I am always hoping for a better tomorrow, but am trying to live for today.
29. I love to do jigsaw puzzles, and am very good at them.
30. When I am myself, I am a great person to be around, with a happy, upbeat, very energetic, and positive outlook on life. When I am depressed, even I don't want to be around me.
31. I cry at certain bank, or Tim Horton's commercials. This is great entertainment for my kids who tend to think it's funny. HA HA? As an added note, I don't have (cable) TV at home because I believe life is more enriching without it.
32. I have seen death, and will never forget the smell of death. Once, I had to dress and prepare a body for a funeral. The second time was in the hospital. I was with my grandmother when she died. My mother said that she was not strong enough to be with her, so asked me if I could. I saw a small child drown. I am not afraid of death, because I don't think it is the end.
33. I do not like computers.
34. I love to write.
35. I love teaching anything and everything, and as long as I am passionate, and well educated about what I am teaching, I am very good at it.