The Process

When word first came down about doing a black belt demo at the New Year Banquet, I instantly knew how I felt. No way, not me! I had done my share of demos and tournaments in my time. The thought of doing a demo scared the heck out of me and the thought alone started to stress me out. Nope! Not gonna do it.

Next we were told that if we wanted to be promoted we had to at least try out for the demo. hhhmmm. . . nope. Still not going to do it. I had enough stressful things going on in my life, and I didn't want to add to it. I began to think that maybe I would just quit kung fu. I am not doing the demo, so won't be promoted, so why keep going? I don't think I have very many annoying qualities, but sometimes, being stubborn is one of them. I knew I would never quit, but I told myself that no one was going to make me do the demo. I absolutely do not like it when people try to make me do something I don't want to.

What the heck am I to do? I gave in. I emailed Sifu Brinker and told him that "I suppose I could do the demo, if I really had to". I also expressed my feelings about being stressed out about it and finding the time to practice when I babysit my grandson almost every evening. Still, I said I would try.

I had been working with my rope dart for about 3 years off and on, but nothing regular. I decided I had better get practicing. So I did. I practiced the same way I always had; same speed, same moves, same intensity. I tried to perform in front of Sifu Brinker and the other black belts this way. It did not go so well. I was extremely nervous and to make things worse, Master McDonald was there too. I was shaking like a leaf on a windy fall day, which made it hard to control my dart, and I screwed up a lot. My form also took 1 1/2 minutes. Sifu Brinker asked if I could cut it down to about 30 to 45 seconds. That was the easy part, and I cut back the time without any problem.

After performing the 2nd time at practice, I was given some good advise to add some stances to my moves, be more aggressive, and add a serious look to my expressions. The first time I practiced by myself, I tried to do just that. I got hurt . . . several times. I hit myself in the back, shin, and ankles, and gave myself rope burn on my wrist. Needless to say I felt quite discouraged, but kept trying. I made a point to never leave my practice time after I messed up. I always ended on a good run through.

I talked to Sifu Brinker and got a few more pointers. I practiced more and started to get a feel for what I should do, and how the form should look. My son came to some of my practices with me and gave me some good feedback. At the next black belt practice, I still had a hard time performing 100%. I couldn't get over being so darn nervous. This whole ordeal stressed me immensely. I couldn't get to sleep at night thinking about it. I started to get cranky. I couldn't figure out why this affected me in this way, but I think it had to do with the fact that so much could go wrong with the rope dart. I had to really focus on what I was doing. I had also never done my rope dart form in front of anyone before. This was a huge concern for me.

I knew that I needed to practice harder physically, and even more so, mentally. I needed more practice staying focused on what I had to do. I knew that I needed to practice enough that my muscle memory kicked in to help me remember the order of the moves and how my body felt when I made each move. I wanted to make the rope feel like a part of me: like an extension of my arm. I made the commitment to go practice every day after work. The demo was only a week away. I did not want to disappoint myself, the rest of the black belts, and especially Sifu Brinker. I get off work at 3:00, and then I look after my grandson almost every evening at 4 or 4:30 and most weekends all day. Not all of my practices were lengthy, but they were every day. My son also came with me every day, filled with encouragement.

Three days before the demo, my son came up with this exciting idea (for him anyways), to add a bit of "umph" to the beginning and ending of my form. One of the moves was to start with a shoulder roll. As I came out and ended the roll, I threw my dart and went into the normal routine. It took several tries to figure out how to make it work, but together my son and I did it. I practiced it over and over again. The better I got, the more excited my son got.

The next day, I was real sore, but practiced again and again. Friday eve, the night before the demo, I performed for the black belts. By this time, I was really hurting. My backside felt severely bruised from all the shoulder rolls and the outside of my right quad felt like knife stabs every time I did the pushed in horse stance. I totally blew my it with the shoulder roll, which in turn flustered me and I did not perform well. The class and I had a few laughs and I felt a bit relieved, but still nervous. Sifu Brinker thought I should leave off the shoulder roll until I healed, if it was hurting too much. It was hurting but I felt I had to prove I could do it. I took all my thoughts inward and told myself, "no mind". My favorite line from 'The Last Samurai' movie. I did it without mistake. I asked if we could practice at the hall before the banquet. I was eager to get a feel for my surroundings there. We all agreed on a time.

The next day was demo day. I woke up wishing there was some way to get out of doing this demo. I had an 11:00 class to teach, so I tried to push away all my fears for the time being at least.

The practice was close to a disaster. I decided to leave off the shoulder roll as it added more worries that I didn't need, and lessened my chances of screwing up. As we all got on stage and lined up to perform, I had an instant panic. The drums and the other performers on the sides of the stage looked too closed in. I knew I didn't have enough room. I thought about telling Sifu Brinker, but I knew he didn't like interruptions once we started. I mentioned it to the other black belts, but they had to focus on what they were doing and they told me I would be OK. I knew the length of my rope well, and I was very sure there wouldn't be enough room. I got real panicked! What if I hit someone? What do I do?!

I took my turn on stage, and first time I threw my rope, WHAM! I hit one of the drums. I stopped and told Sifu Brinker that I didn't have enough room. I was freaking out inside! I stepped back and let the next person perform. Later, the drums were moved, and the performers stayed to the back of the stage. Sifu Brinker had me do it again, but I was so flustered, I messed up the order of the moves. At least I felt better knowing I had room to throw my dart. Sifu Brinker approached me and asked if I would be OK doing the demo. I nodded my head, and wanted to say, but didn't, "of course I can do it. I'm a black belt. I have to do this."

The next couple of hours I tried to keep busy, but all I could think about was the banquet demo. So . . . I started to think about it in a positive way. I visualized doing my form perfectly, over and over again. Once in awhile I would see myself mess up, but I would quickly erase my thoughts, and began from the beginning, with no mistakes. My son and I got to the banquet about 7:00, and I continued with this visualization as I sat and waited to go on stage. I also rubbed the pressure point in my left hand and made myself control my breath. I started to actually look forward to doing the demo and proving to myself that I could do it, and do it well. I just had to stay relaxed and focus.

I went downstairs in the hall a bit before it was time to go on, and threw my dart around, just to warm up my arms. While waiting on stage for my turn to perform, I made sure not to look out at the audience. I did not want to know who was there, and I did not want to somehow personalize it. I wanted, "no mind". I walked out on stage with my rope just a swingin'. I thought only about the moves, the stances, and the techniques. I didn't even acknowledge the audience, or other members on stage in my thoughts. I did it!! I did it perfectly! As I went down into my last stance to finish the form, I did it with attitude. I almost yelled out "YA!! Take that!!" I was so happy! I was ecstatic in fact. I didn't embarrass myself, Sifu Brinker or the other black belts. Everyone in the group had done a fantastic job! It was over. I took a few seconds to look out at the audience, and spotted my long time friend, Sifu L. Shipalesky. She gave me a huge smile.

I am grateful for my kung fu training, and for the people I train with. I am grateful for the wisdom of a great leader. Sifu Brinker told me from the very beginning, that I could do it. He saw the potential in me when I failed to see it myself. I am so grateful for my son and his never ending faith in me, and for all his support. He came to all my practices after work, and to every black belt class that we practiced, even though he wasn't participating. He never stopped encouraging me, and after the demo, he told everyone he saw about it. We work at the same place, so all my coworkers heard about it. My son has been away from kung fu for 3 years, and his new spark of excitement in his training is contagious. The day after the demo, my son told me I need to get out and keep practicing my dart. I asked him for at least one day of rest from it. ha ha My girls were excited for me too, and are anxious to see the video. I am excited to carry on with my rope dart and learn some new moves, and pick it up a notch. I am also thrilled with the idea of picking up a new version of the rope dart, and putting everything I can into it.

I learned a lot from doing this demo. One big thing was to not be so darn independent in my training. I started to work with my dart about 3 years ago, but not once did I show it to someone or ask for constructive criticism. If I had, I could have been a lot further ahead with my dart than I was at the start of this demo. I need to look to others for their thoughts and ideas, and help. I learned to have an open mind, not be so stubborn, and listen to others. I don't always trust what people say when they pay me a compliment or show faith in me. Some people just say things to be nice.

I also learned how to direct my focus when I really need to. It may seem to be an easy thing, but it isn't always. I learned how to put aside all other thoughts, and direct them to where they need to be. I know now, what kind of mental state I need to rely on when doing something like this.

I grew to have more trust in the people I train with. I am grateful for the support of the other black belts and the feeling of not being judged, even after all the mistakes I made. We worked independently, yet together as a team, and as a team, we showed a great demo.

From doing this demo, I reminded myself that nothing is impossible, and anything can be accomplished when I put my nose to the grindstone, have the proper positive frame of mind, and reach out to others for help, and accept it when it's given. Far too often I put up blockers in my mind and it's impossible to turn my thoughts around. It would have been so much easier, and run much smoother right from the very beginning, if I hadn't been so darn stubborn. I see now how it went, and I clearly see how it could have been. It may not have seemed like it at the time, but it was a very good experience for me. I gained a lot!