I hate it when people try to tell me what to do, but sometimes I wish there was someone who could make decisions for me. I have faced the hardest trial of my life for the last 11 years. I even hate to use the word trial, for all adversities in our lives lead to personal growth. I guess a trial could be appropriate, such as it is like a court trial of our lives. What the outcome will be is dependent on how we react or act to that specific trial. I could pass and move on, or fail, be charged and lived miserably forever. I don't want option 2.

In my life I am very blessed with good health, and a body that serves me well, great healthy respectable children and grandchildren, wonderful supportive friends, good job, and passions of my heart that I can enjoy when I like. Wow! Sounds like I have it all. Not quite. At church on Sunday, we talked about being happy with what we have, and try not to wait for the "golden ticket" that we feel will bring us happiness. When asked what is OUR golden ticket, I shouted out, "a man". I got a lot of laughs from the crowd, and a hug from a friend sitting beside me, who knows my situation well. "A man". For 11 years now I have been single, and the pain of loneliness is getting hard to bare. I have a very close friend that I do all kinds of fun things with and adventures to go on with. I am extremely grateful for him. The truth though, is that we have no future of committed plans.

I am very at peace with myself; who I am and especially where I have come in the last 11 years. I have done a lot of things, learned tons of life lessons, risen to hidden potentials I didn't know I had and I have become a stronger individual. I just seem to spend too much time lately giving attention to my loneliness. I tell myself I am spending too much time thinking about my needs and not enough of the needs for others. I have decided to go somewhere to do a year of humanitarian work, in about another year or so. Running away? Perhaps. Until that time, I am looking into helping out at the Mustard Seed or a soup kitchen, or hospital, etc. I also know that I need to delve deeper into my church responsibilities, and especially my kung fu. I just don't know how. It's as if I can't see that forest for the trees. I feel kind of lost in the world. I only have 1 child at home now, and he is 20. Now, more than ever, I have the time to put into my training. Maybe that's part of the issue. For 26 years now, I have taken care of kids and grandkids, a big house, yard, and pets. I don't have to do that anymore, so feel like I kind of have no purpose. hhhhmmmmmm.

The solution all sounds so simple to me. Go to all my classes, dedicate time to teaching, work towards my next level, volunteer more at the kung fu school. It sounds great, but I just can't seem to take that step. I think it may be selfish. I have a social life on the weekends. I NEED a social life on the weekends. How else am I going to find anyone? Time with my close friend supplies me with a need I can't get anywhere else. Time with my family is also a crucial element in my life and Friday and Saturday nights seem to be the only time my kids, and myself, all have available time to get together. For 3 months in the summer, I am gone on weekends, adventure seeking, and fulfilling my passions. What do I do then? I am always afraid of committing myself to something, in hopes that something better to do, will come along. Right now, my social life is that "something better".

Even though I know that is how I feel, I don't think that it is right. It is all so confusing in my head and it makes me feel lost. What do I do? I know I need to take the plunge and dive deep into my training, and let everything else just fall into place. But I just can't seem to take that first step. The hardest part, is that I don't know why? And it is eating me up right now.