The Unseen Killer

Usually my entries are directly connected to my kung fu training.  I am going to venture off that path and write about something that is filling my thoughts today.  Her name is Becky.

While driving to my Friday class, I got news of a young girl who had passed away that morning.  My family knew Becky well.  She was the same age as my second daughter, 26.  Becky was one of four children in her family.  She was bright, beautiful, always smiling and laughing,  always surrounded by friends, loved by family, and she adored her little nephews.  Anyone looking from the outside, would never know that Becky suffered from depression.  On the morning of Friday, June 14th, 2013, Becky took her own life.

For some reason not known to me, Becky's death bothers me more than I expected it to.  My best friend is feeling the same way, as are my kids. 

While out celebrating fathers day on Saturday evening with some friends, one of them said, "people that do things like this don't think about the grief they leave behind".  I thought, "how dare he say that".  But then I realized that he was right.  They don't.  It's hard to think of others, except for the thoughts that no one cares.  I know.  I have been there.   You can't feel or think of others, because you can't see or feel anything past the pain, and internal grief that fills every fiber of your being. 

Obviously I have never taken my own life, but in the past, I have been in the depths of despair far enough to know how it feels.  The pain and heartache is so unbearable, and you are convinced it will never go away.  The only senses you feel are pain, and emptiness. You can take an extremely hot shower and not feel the heat.  But you feel the emptiness in your heart.   The emptiness in your soul.  You feel as if you are in a deep dark hole.   The dark is so dark you can't see your hand in front of you,  and the hole so deep, you see no way of ever climbing out.  You see no end.  You can't see tomorrow. You can't see anything past the pain.  All you want to do is make the pain stop and  make the world go away.   

I feel for Becky's family and especially her mom.   I can't even begin to imagine what she must be going through.  My heart aches for Becky herself and the pains she had to bare. I hope that I can always make someones day at least a little bit brighter, even by a simple smile.  We can never know what pains and heartache others have to deal with, but we can show compassion, and understanding to all those we come in contact with.  This week I am honoring Becky by making sure to smile at everyone I pass.  No one will be missed.