Catus Metuit Foveam Lupus

"The cat is daunted by the snare of the wolf".

Two days ago, I had a day of many wonderful experiences. Afterwards I texted my sister to tell her that I had had a wonderful day with our mom. She sent me back a few "LOLs". No one ever has a good day with our mom. Usually she is very negative, complains about her unhappy life, her multitude of health issues, financial issues, and the fact that she doesn't get much company anymore. But this day, it was different.

I had gone to Vernon to visit my real family.  I didn't tell anyone I was coming, just in case my plans didn't work out. I knocked on moms door and walked in. I lived in this house from age 9 until I was 14.  When I said, "hello, anyone home", my mom thought it was my sister Diana as we sound so much alike. I walked into the living room to find her layed back in her lazy boy chair, and walked in front of her so she could see it was me. Did not get the response I had expected. After not seeing me for about 5 years, she just started talking to the dog Maggie, who used to be mine about 12 years ago. My moms reaction would seem to be one of, Brenda's here, so what. But I knew it wasn't about me.  I think she just wasn't sure how to act and was somewhat uncomfortable with the situation. I was OK with that. Eventually things improved, with "how did you get so tanned?" And , "wow, your hair sure is curly".

The day progressed fine, and when we were sitting out on the deck, my mom started the usual talk about how unhappy she was and what a horrible parent she had been because all 4 of her kids have gone through divorce.  We talked for a while and I tried to encourage her to be positive.

I had a nice couple of days there including a gathering with my 3 siblings, nieces and nephews and my mom. I did about 5 hours of yard work one day in the heat of the Okanangan sun, and I was  happy to do that for my mom and her husband. Her husband is 5 years older than me, but years of alcohol and cigarettes have left him not in the best shape for doing much that's physical.

On the morning that I was to leave, I got all packed up and ready to go. My mom and I went down to her basement and started looking through boxes of old pictures. She's a bit of a hoarder, so has lots of stuff from many years ago. I was interested in family history so was looking for particular pictures .  I found many. I also looked through some old trunks of hers and amongst some old books was one in particular that caught my eye.  It had the name Niles Bowley 1911 on the inside. Bowley being our family name on my moms side, but Niles was unfamiliar to me. Some years ago I had traced back the family name to 1636, and this past year, my daughter has added more information to what I had. My mom called her cousin Audrey in Summerland to see if she knew who Niles was. She had a lot of family history, but wasn't sure of the name either. I talked to Audrey on the phone and she told me so many wonderful stories of our family history. When I hung up the phone, I told my mom that I wouldn't mind visiting Audrey. So within minutes my plans to stay an extra day were intact, and Audrey was notified we were on our way.

I tend to do things spontaneously and it sometimes gets me in trouble. So once the plans were made, I got real nervous and wondered if I had done the right thing by staying longer. It turned out to be the best day. Just my mom and I, on a road trip to Summerland. I drove. On the 2 hour drive there, my mom and I had a talk that we had both put off for far too many years. I started off by telling her I didn't want her to have any regrets for the mom that she had been to me, and that my divorce was not about her. I told her about my Kung fu and especially about my journey this year. I told her that the past was simply gone and the future was yet to happen. All that we have is now. This very moment to be concerned with and to enjoy. I told her that I have absolutely no bitter feelings towards her, or even towards my stepdad. I assured her that I had a good life, was happy and very much enjoying the journey and path that my life was currently taking. She told me that every night she lays in bed and writes me a letter, in her head.  I told her that she should tell me now what she wants to say. She started off by saying that she has many regrets for not being there for me when I needed her to be. She said she had been in denial for what my stepdad had done to me, even though she knew what he was accused of was true. I asked her if she knew just what he had done to me over the years. She had no idea. So I told her. She was sorry.  I told her again that my life took many turns over the years, but I had stayed strong and turned out OK. She said that I had turned out very well. I went on to explain to her about my feelings of abandonment, and that I believe the root of it was from her often moving out when I was growing up. I told her I have come to this realization through my personal journey of self discovery and that I was dealing with it through that same journey with my meditation practice. I assured her it was nothing for her to be concerned with. I was progressing forward. On this note we talked about self esteem and confidence, of which she admitted she had none. This was not news to me. We went on and talked about many things, including her childhood of abuse, being bullied, and then eventually teenage years of unwholesome activities. What was most beneficial, was that we talked without critical emotions. No one passed blame, or cried, or avoided any topics that were uncomfortable. We just simply talked. And listened. We talked like we had never done before.  Somehow it was just the right time for such conversation as we were both open and honest and comfortable in each other's presence.

We continued on to Summerland and visited Audrey for a couple hours in the seniors home. Audrey is near blind, and as my mom stayed waiting at the entrance of the seniors home, Audrey held my arm as I walked her to her room. She is 91, but her mind and memory is extremely clear. She thanked me for coming, and especially for spending some time with my mom.  She said the only thing she regretted was that she couldn't see me. I told her she could touch my face if she liked. (Saw that on a movie once). She put a palm on each side of my face and felt the contours of my cheeks and chin. I said, "I'm pretty much like my mom". "No", she said. "Not your mom. Not your mom at all.  You are your dad". These words meant an incredible deal to me, and brings tears to my eyes. I haven't seen my dad, who is in Lethbridge, for 32 years, yet he is still special to me somehow. I lived with him for some months when I was 14, and have good memories of his humor and affections from that time.

In Audrey's room, she told me stories of the family pictures she has on the wall, and told me who each of them was. They are after all, my ancestors. She gave me some family history information, some pictures which included that of the jewelry store that still sells jewelry in England that my many times great grandfather founded in 1870. She also gave me a copy of  the history of the Bowley family that starts back in 1066 when they were first granted lands in Lincolnshire by King William, after the Norman conquest of that same year.  It also stated that my ancestors before that descended from Beaulieu, a place in Calvados in Normandy. On the bottom of that same form was the phrase in my title.  The Bowley family motto.  Earlier I recorded some of Audrey's stories, and a couple jokes that had brought laughter to the dinner table. I told her that my daughter wanted to visit her next year. "Well", she says, with somewhat of an elderly chuckle, "I'll still be here and look forward to that visit, because I plan on living till I'm 100".  Many of my ancestors have lived long, including my great uncle that passed last year at 105. One of my great grandfathers was still repairing harnesses at age 92. Audrey gave me a copy of the newspaper article that was done on him in 1946.  Another article I received was from 1938 of another ancestor receiving an award for "Man o' the Month" when he was 93. Still an enthusiastic cyclist at that age.

On the way back to Vernon, We stopped in Winfield at the cemetery there. I had never been in a cemetery before. We found the grave sites of my dads parents, and my grandma Tillie's parents as well. This was a very special moment for me. As my mom slowly made her way back to the car with her walker and oxygen, I stayed to clear away the grass that had started to cover the slate plaque. As I did so, I talked to my grandparents.  I have good memories of visiting their orchard when I was very young. I remember them being such sweet individuals.

Back in Vernon, and just before heading to my moms, we stopped at the cemetery there where my moms parents are buried, as well as her grandparents. I cleaned up the area around their plaques as well. My mom discovered my love for birds so we made one final stop to show me the trees full of blue heron nests, and then retired to moms. I thanked my mom for the day, and told her how much I appreciated it.  She expressed the same.

I wonder about the powers of others sometimes. My young grandsons are fanatical about super heroes. I hope they know that we have super heroes among us today. When Sifu Brinker requested that we mend a relationship as part of our requirements, did he just throw it in there as a filler of some kind?  Or did he really recognize the benefits of doing so?  I'm pretty sure it's the latter of the two. I haven't seen my mom in years, and didn't really care to, but the requirement was there, and I was only 5 hours away now.  Besides, I had hoped, but definitely not expected, to talk to her about some things of the past.  My expectations of the trip were far exceeded. I may not feel a need to be close to my mom, or give her a mother of the year award, but I made a connection.  Not only with my mom, but my sister and I had some really good laughs as well. She tried very hard to convince me to stay longer.  I've always been closer to my brothers, and never my sister.  My family is dysfunctional as the modern term signifies, and they are far from perfect, but they are my family, and I am part of them.