Why don`t I think?

The last black belt class I was at, some of the other sifus asked some really great questions and gave some pretty good insight into what we were learning.  This happens quite a bit.  What also happens quite a bit, and has been for years, is me asking myself why I don't ever get that great insight or ask the really important questions.

At one of the kids classes this week, one of the instructors did a really great thing with one of the students.  I found myself all night after, asking myself, why didn't I think of that?  As I watch some of the classes, I wonder to myself, the same thing.  Why didn't I think of that?

This isn't new to me.  I have asked myself this question so many times.  Always in the black belt class.  The only thing different this time, is that I now looked up to these people that seemed wiser than myself.  A year ago, it would have really bothered me and I would have feelings of anger towards the person who had the wise insight.  Why?  Simply because they made me feel inferior to them, and I also felt bad about myself and who I was.  I felt stupid.  In the past, it often made me want to quit kung fu because I told myself I wasn't really smart enough for the arts, or at least for doing them at a high level.  This time was different.  This time I pondered on why it was I didn't seem to think deep enough about the things we are learning, yet it wasn't in a negative way.  I truly wanted to know why?  I wanted to know what I needed to do differently to have insights and get further along in my training.

As I thought about this the other night, I realized that I did what I was told.  Sifu Brinker asked us to do 18 temple motions, so I did.  I focused on doing what I was told, and I focused on trying to do a good job of it.  There didn't seem to be time for pondering on other things while doing a form in front of my instructor.  When I practice on my own, I think about rotation, drawing earths energy, and getting my body to work together, but in front of Sifu Brinker, I just simply focused on doing what I was told.  I wondered why.  Is it the years of being in controlling relationships that have conditioned me to do what I'm told?  I don't like to be controlled any more, nor being told what to do, but I do know the importance of obeying ones instructor.  Or is it simply that I don't have the right frame of mind or intelligence to look deeper into what I'm doing?  I have not come up with any answers yet.

As for the instructor in the kids class that took the initiative to help a student when I should have, I know where I went wrong.  I focused on the negative aspect of the situation.  I looked at the surface and saw a problem, and wasn't mindful enough at the time to see inside the situation and find a positive solution.  Unfortunately, I have done this more than once recently.  In some small way, it angers me, as I had thought I was over that negative way of thinking.  But I have learned a lot from this and most importantly, I know I have so much more to learn, and so much more growth to accomplish.