This past Saturday was a very special day for me. It was an extraordinary experience, something I don’t ever remember experiencing before, and one I shall never forget. Partly because of what I put into it, but most definitely because of what I got out of it.
Over the past few months, I have been preparing my own personal demo to present to four of the senior black belts. Preparing this demo has forced me to look deep into my training: what my strengths and weaknesses are there, what I have gained from my training, as well as looking into my soul, so to speak. Who am I, what am I made of, what am I truly passionate about, and what kinds of things "move me". Putting all these things together for the demo was a great experience in itself.
I performed my demo this past Saturday, and as it turned out, Master McDonald was in attendance as well. The hour before my demo, I began to get concerned for my legs which seemed quite stiff and shakey. I knew from past experience that if I didn’t get them warmed up and some blood and oxygen pumped into them, that I would not have the coordination and balance that I needed to perform. I began to get concerned about how I was going to force myself to focus and not be distracted by what was happening in my legs.
There was a lot going on at the school, yet I managed to do a couple of forms and some stretches. It didn’t really seem to help so I started walking around, gathering my internal energies, and then tried forcing that energy down to my legs. I tried deep breathing as well, to get more oxygen. It began to help a bit but I worried it wasn’t going to help enough. Once the room cleared and I had a chance to do some kicks on the heavy bag, which I had pulled out onto the floor, I began to feel a lot better. While I was standing, about to do my demo, I felt confident that my legs were ready.
Five of my six grandchildren’s voices are recorded at different points of my audio. The start of my audio has my 9 year old grandson reading a quote from one of my journals. As soon as I heard his voice, I felt my lip start to quiver and my emotions began to show. Each time I heard one of my grandchildren, I got the same response. It’s difficult to put into words, but it was as if they were right there, supporting me and cheering me on. I drew great strength from them.
The emotion and state of mind I felt during my presentation goes beyond anything I had expected: beyond anything I had ever felt before. I couldn't do my low back stances due to discomfort I've been having in the back of my knees, and there were two spots in my staff form where I had missed the beat of the music, yet as soon as I recognized it, I let it go. It was that easy. Whenever I would make a mistake while practicing, I trained myself to never stop, but keep going to the end. Then...there was one point in my performance, I remember distinctly thinking to myself, “oh yah, I’m performing for the black belts”. Somehow and at some point, I had gone into this place where no one else was in the room but me. I love the music I had chosen and somehow with the music and emotions I was feeling, and the emotion that I had put into my moves, I seemed to have transported myself to a place I’m not sure I had ever been to before. I was so totally 100% into that very moment. As I write about it now, I wonder if I hadn’t transcended myself into total bliss. At least for a few brief moments. All I know is that it was sensational. I may have not done all my techniques and moves as well as I would have liked to. I always tell myself after, "I could have done better". But I could never have done better at what I had experienced this day.
At the end of my demo, I did some combinations and techniques on the heavy bag. I felt my emotions peak even higher. So hard to put into words. It was a feeling like I was fighting for my life. Putting all the power, strength and emotion I could into surviving. Yet, I wasn’t fighting to survive. All that emotion I was feeling, was coming out because I HAD survived, and because I know that I have such a bright future ahead of me. Writing about that just now has helped me to recognize that this is what had transpired. Although I don’t really like to use the term survivor because that sounds like I was a victim. I prefer to not think that way. In my audio it says, “show them what you are made of”. I had lived through a father going off to prison, abuse by my step father, being put into foster care, divorce, single parenting 4 children and now a daughter away in Thailand and relationships that were not meant to be. These are all just my life experiences and I simply did what I needed to. What am I made of? I’m not super woman. I’m simply a carpenter of sorts. I took the tools that were given me, and I built a good life for myself, for my children, and in turn, for my grandchildren. I have built a better me. Where did I get my strengths? I’m not really sure. They are in my genes? Where did I get my tools? That I know for sure. Most of the tools came from the people around me. From those that I saw as good examples of who I one day wanted to be like. From my foster parents, a neighbor, and from my Kung fu.
What Sifu Brinker has given me personally and professionally is absolutely impossible to put a price on. He has given me the tools to build respect, confidence, self worth, independence, friendships, compassion, discipline, and a strong desire to improve. A desire to keep moving forward and grow as an individual with endless potential. Sifu Laurie, Sifu Freitag, Sifu Hayes and Sifu Dennis have all been great examples to me. I have found in each of them, their own individual characteristics and strengths that inspire me to follow their examples. I could list all of the black belts and students of Silent River Kung Fu, as they have all played a part in helping me to learn and grow. For that, I am forever grateful.
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