Surrender

My daughter in Thailand called at 3 am a couple weeks ago, ready to hitch hike to Bangkok. Talk about putting terror into the heart of a mother. She begged me to get her out of Siam and bring her home. She was angry and fighting with the staff.  She was angry at herself, angry and fighting with her boyfriend who was there as well.  She wanted to leave, and she wanted to leave NOW.  She can be very defiant, and bull headed. Put that together with withdrawal, PMS, and new meds and look out!  “Yellow cards” are given out at Siam for breaking rules, being defiant, etc. She had received 11 in one week. After 5, you are asked to leave. She had also lost the priveledge of having her phone for an hour every day.  The only reason they didn’t kick her out was because of compassion. The clinical staff can relate to her underlying issues that drive her desires for self medicating, and her outbreaks.  They really want to reach her and help her, which I am so very grateful for. I gave what little advice I felt I could give. In the end, she said she felt much better and agreed to be more cooperative.

She has proven to herself, and others that she has kept true to her word. We talked again last week and she told me of a special experience she had at one of their meetings. I have her permisssion to share it here. At her meeting she came to the realization that she didn’t have to fight anymore. All her life, she felt she had been fighting. Fighting with the church that we once belonged to, fighting with her abusive boyfriend in Toronto, fighting with her x husband, now fighting with staff at Siam, and in my mind, always fighting to find where she fit into our family. She was always on the opposite side of the fence than the rest of her siblings. At her meeting she got very emotional and broke down. “Mom”, she said, “I suddenly realized I didn’t have to fight anymore. I could surrender”.  At that very moment, something in my daughter softened.

To me there are so many lessons in that one experience; trust, compassion, strength, love, and the power of surrendering. There is inspiration. I’ve thought a lot about this since we talked. I’ve also thought so much about my life situation. Yesterday, I did some ice fishing, fed the eagles perched and
waiting near by, soaked in the hot springs, then finished my day by standing at the lakes edge late at
night under the full moon and the stars, listening to its music. It creaks, moans and cracks.  Sometimes so loud it’s scarey. As I stood there so overcome with gratitude, I wondered how is it that I am so blessed with all that is good and wholesome in my life. Over and over again, positive things are happening. Not all of them big, like getting a good job, or my daughter finally becoming a mom.  Some of them are small, like being able to split a log that I assumed was way too big, or being able to find something in my storage unit that I assumed to be buried beyond retreaval. While on the phone, looking for my CORE certification that I took in 1981, I was told they probably wouldn’t find it as it was too long ago. They called back within 30 min to ask for my email so they could send me a copy. Even the simplest of things that turn out positive, I am able to easily recognize, smile to myself, and think how grateful I am.

I wonder to myself why.  Not that it matters, but I want to know what it is that I am doing, so that I can keep on doing it.  While thinking about this, the word surrender came to mind. Perhaps like my daughter, I have surrendered and left behind my negative thinking. In the past, every time something negative would happen in my life, I would feel the weight of every single thing negative that had ever happened in my life. I think that too often, I focused far too much on the negative.  Perhaps I identified myself with the negative. Yes!  That’s it. In my eyes all I saw was this victim, who only ever had negative things happen to them. During this past year, I have learned to surrender.
My life experiences are what they are. I don’t have to dwell on them anymore. I don’t have to define
myself with negativity.  I can surrender, accept, appreciate my lessons learned, appreciate who I have become, and let them go. This past year, I have been able to heal so much from my past, and bring peace to my soul.  Even when my daughter called and was all frantic about leaving Siam, I was able to not let it get me down. I remained positive and supportive. I wasn’t in the least angry, nor did I
fight with her. After all that her and I have been through over the years, we’ve never fought. Perhaps that has been a plus after all.  She could trust me and count on me.

Today I try to focus on the now. Where am I...now. What am I doing...now.  First recognize, then appreciate, this moment...now. The past is gone, the negativity is gone.  Done. From my experiences, I now firmly believe that positive thoughts bring about positive actions, which produce positive energy, that turns into positive results. I can see that so very clearly in my life. As always happens, writing this in my journal, spells it all out for me. Writing allows me to see it for what it is. My life situation could easily change, but my mind is in a good place. I can deal with what comes up and adjust, with very little disruption to my state of mind, and my belief that there are lessons and opportunity for growth in all of life’s situations. Surrender to the now.  Accept the now, for whatever it may be. Make changes if necessary, but leave behind all the negativity.

When I talked to my daughter through Face Time a couple days ago, she looked and sounded great. She was happy, smiling and laughing. She took her strengths and turned then into leadership skills.  She took it upon herself to organize and execute a movie night for everyone at Siam.  She is progressing in the right direction, and instead of yellow cards, she has been given extra priveledges. By surrendering and not fighting anymore, she has opened doors she never thought possible. She has been able to recognize and work towards her potential. The staff at Siam have asked her if she would be interested in staying there a bit longer after her treatment, to be a volunteer. They say she has many life experiences under her that would allow her to relate to so many people that would come to Siam for treatment.  My daughter has always been interested in how the mind works, and has read a ton about the subject. She has a natural compassion to want to reach out and help those less fortunate.  The clinical staff at Siam see this potential in her. They say she would do great with a degree in counselling. She is considering their offer.  “Surround yourself with friends who ask more from you than you do”

In my life I have learned that I can find the greatest of lessons in the toughest of challenges. I can find gratitude in the simplest experiences.  I can gain inspiration from those I never expected to. I
can find strength in those who rise up from the deepest depths of despair. I can surrender and accept each moment for what it is. All I have to do is take the time to experience each and every moment as they come.  Don’t just hear, but learn to listen. Don’t just look, but learn to see.