Me? Negative?

I am quite undecided as to whether or not I should write this post. The thoughts are good for my personal journal, but not really something that is easy to put out for the whole world to read. It's personal and it's hard to put out newfound qualities of the "real me". Especially when they aren't good ones. But I have decided to post it anyways. I can always delete it in a week or so.

After my black belt class last week, and writing my journal about it, I have searched my thoughts as to why I acted the way I did, and it has really bothered me that I did act that way. Then one day this past week, while talking to a friend, and recent boss about my son, my friend asked me, "is Curtis at all like his mom in the way that he doesn't take well to having to do things that he doesn't want to?" I chuckled, and my friend chuckled along with me, but I couldn't stop thinking about that statement all day, and every day since. When I put that statement together with my reaction to the kung fu class just over a week ago, I really didn't like what I saw. Perhaps I did know it all along, but just haven't really admitted it. But here it was staring me right in the face, and I had no choice but to see it, and admit it. I hate doing things I don't want to do.

That statement makes me sound like some kind of spoiled brat, but I don't see it at all that way. I see it as quite the opposite. All my life, since as far back as I can remember, I have had to do things I didn't want to. Either I was under the control of someone else's addictions, or under control of someone because they wanted me to be, or I was under the control of them because all I wanted to do was please them, and gain approval. Those days are over for me, and perhaps to the extreme.

In life, we all have to do things we don't want to. There are a lot of thorns in this world of roses, and I realize that. I don't like having to work two jobs, but I have to in order to stay alive and care for my children. But somehow that's different for me. Perhaps because it's MY choice to take on those responsibilities. But if I have to spar in a kung fu class, for example, and I really don't want to, that's me doing something I don't want to do, because someone else is telling me I have to. That's when I have attitude. When I get an attitude, I get negative, and the whole world seems to fall apart for me. Suddenly I hate the world, I hate God, and I don't like myself very much either. I get internally angry, not just at having to do what I don't want to, but at myself for feeling the way I do.

There is a positive flip side to all this. Now that the real me has shown it's face and I see it more clearly, I have taken steps to fix it. When I get called to do something I don't want, or I am in a situation I don't appreciate, I make a choice to accept it, and push my negative feelings aside. It sounds kind of corny and perhaps a bit surreal, but deciding to choose a positive attitude over a negative one is very easy...now that I see things for what they really are. I don't just "let go", so-to-speak, and allow my emotions to take over without any thought of what is happening. I choose a positive attitude over a negative one. Another corny statement...it feels great! A negative attitude really does affect a lot of areas of our minds and body, including our physical health. There is a strong connection between mind and body that even scientists can't fully comprehend.

I have never been one to get angry, cranky, or have a temper. People often ask me why I am so happy all the time. At work they comment that I "am far too happy, especially for first thing in the morning". I am proud of that and the fact that I can be a positive leader amongst my peers. So when my sometimes negative attitude got thrown in my face, I knew I had to change it, and I did. I have so much to be thankful for, and I know there are people in worse situations than myself. If nothing else, I have my children, and they are healthy and safe. That alone is every reason to keep smilin, and stay positive.