Learning My Way to Self Worth

Over the years, Kung fu has given me a lot of things that have helped me to build character, integrity, work ethic, and a sense of self worth. Recognizing my self worth has increased my quality of life, changed my way of thinking, and helped me deal with depression, negative thoughts of myself, and of my choices.

When I explain these benefits to others, I used to get stumped when I try to explain how it all works. Why, and how, has the martial arts helped me to build self esteem and how has it taught me to recognize and appreciate my self worth?

The first thing i can think of is my accomplishments. I've earned my black belt, I feel good about that, and I'm proud of myself. I have self worth. I know how to use a spear, so I have self worth. On the surface, that may seem how the whole process works, but if I dig a little deeper, I know that's not really true. This kind of thought process can be dangerous.

To earn a black belt and think I am good because of it, isn't called self worth, it's called egotism. To think I am good because of my achievements, is to say that I am better than the next guy. Along with that I would have to say that if I am good because I accomplish something, does that mean that I am not good if I don't? This is such an unhealthy way of thinking. My self worth is static. I am worth the same as the next guy and vise versa. It is how I feel about my self worth that changes. It should move in an upward swing. It shouldn't go up and down according to what I accomplish and what I don't.

There are far too many outside factors that play a role in whether or not I accomplish something. If I am working with one of my weapons and I just can't seem to get it right, it doesn't mean I'm bad at it. It means I have to look at what is affecting my performance. I notice more easily now, that if I haven't had enough sleep, I am not properly focused on my tasks. If I haven't eaten a healthy meal, or are menstruating, my energy level is below what I need it to be. My rock climbing has made these issues much more recognizable, and now I see the difference these factors play in my martial arts as well. Another factor that plays a role in my performance is my arthritis. I try to ignore it and carry on with life as usual, but some days it can't be ignored and makes sure to remind me that it is there.

So, if my accomplishments don't regulate my self worth, what does? I think the answer is "learning". When I think about my accomplishments, or overcoming a challenge, it isn't the end result that is so rewarding. It's what I've learned in gaining the accomplishments. I've always believed that the final destination isn't near as important as the journey it took to get there.

If I focus more on the efforts of my training, and less on the outcome, I notice an increase in my awareness, and as a result, I have a better eye for detail. When I am performing a form and constantly thinking about the end result when I am done; did I do a good job or not, I'm not really learning anything. By switching my main focus to learning, my awareness improves and I can apply myself more fully without having anxieties about the end result. I believe this to be a smarter way to train. I also think this is connected to "being in the moment". When I take the time to truly feel the horse stance, the power in my punch, and the connection of my being to the ground underfoot, it draws awareness, and from that awareness I can begin to make changes towards improvement. Learning. It's all linked to learning.

When I think back on the times in my training when I have felt a sense of hitting a plateau, I can understand now why I felt that way. I would go through my forms one after another with one thought in mind: if I get through the form without any mistakes, I'm good. I know the form. . . now what? I was training with an end result in mind. This way of thinking hampers my ability to learn. Without learning, I failed to see any progression, and also failed to notice my self worth. Why? Because my self worth comes from inside. It comes from my dedication to knowledge, to my passion for the arts, and to learning about every detail of the form. It doesn't come from just ending the form.

I see this in students all the time, as I did in myself as a colored belt. We learn a form and as soon as we think we know it all the way through, we think we're done and want to learn a new one. What we sometimes don't realize is that there is so much more to learn within a form. We must take the time to explore, experiment, feel, sense, balance, connect,and "BE" the form. We should be trying to make it look like art. This takes a lot of time and learning.

Self worth is internal. It comes from the journey. It comes from learning. It comes from being involved in things we value and are passionate about. Egotism is external. It comes from the end result, or our final destination, without thought, appreciation, or recognition of how we got there. I've always wondered how a person with such a big ego can have such little self esteem. Now I know. They place too much value only on the things they have accomplished.

I have always valued the power of learning and LOVE to learn about anything and everything. I also love to teach and help others to learn. I would have to say though, that my sense of self worth comes from internal as well as external factors. Both are what give me motivation. I have been working more towards recognizing the internal factors and drawing a greater appreciation for them. I do try to separate my self worth from the end results of my performance. It's a lose-lose situation if I don't.

I love a challenge and being able to test myself with difficult tasks. Not just to see if I can do it, but to experience what it takes to overcome, and to rise to my potential. Therein lies personal growth. . . learning. . . self worth. I know that the more I can separate my self worth from my achievements, the less I will feel the need to "prove" myself to others. Relying more on internal motivations gives me the power and control when determining value and worth. Thus my internal motivations will build my self confidence. How? External factors will play a smaller role in how I feel about myself. My self awareness increases as I am more in tune with my strengths, weaknesses, and what I am doing. It gives me a reliable and stable center to my being. I can learn to count on my own abilities. This is confidence. Confidence in myself. My confidence will grow and so will my sense of self worth, the more I come to value learning over achievements,