Will I Ever Get It?

There is something that has been on my mind for months now, and last night Sifu Brinker hit the nail right on the head.  I know what I have been missing in my kung fu all these years, and this is the one big thing, that in my mind, separates me from the rest of the black belts.  It makes me feel very insufficient, and incomplete as a martial artist.  That it!!!!  That's the word!!  Incomplete.  I feel incomplete.  Without being complete, how can I ever expect to attain mastery?

I can learn a technique, practice a technique, and remember a technique.  But I have so much difficulty analyzing a technique.  This has always been a struggle for me, and it makes me feel almost like I am not smart enough for the real martial arts.  (for lack of a better way to explain it).  Last night Sifu Brinker asked us what we think of when we do a form.  To be honest, I think a lot about my stances and keeping them low. I think about my shoulders and try not to hunch them up. I sometimes think about my arm techniques, but until now, I didn't really realize how little I think about them.  That is probably why I keep bending my wrists on my punches.

I admit that I don't think much about the 6 harmonies, and the reason is exactly as Sifu Brinker said last night.  It seems like it is above my head to understand them, so why bother trying.  What a sucky attitude that is.  I do, however, when I am doing my forms, often, but not always, try to focus on my feet drawing energy from below.  I can't be sure, but I think this is part of the 6 harmonies.  I left classes last night with the conviction to research and see if there is anything out there to help me better understand the 6 harmonies.

I am not sure why I don't analyze by kung fu more.  Well, I think I might have a couple of ideas, but it is embarrassing to admit.  I think it is because of being lazy.  Not taking the time to slow down and think about it.  Why?  Because it's too hard.  Which comes to the other reason.  I am not really smart when it comes to that kind of stuff.  Velocity of what?  Interception where?  This also bothers me in the way that it makes me lack in a lot of areas with my teaching.  I get terrified every time a student puts up their hand to ask me a question, for fear that it will be a "thinking" kind of question.  What move comes after what?  I can usually answer those.  But something like the dynamics of a technique?  AAAGGGHHHHH!!

I have always admired people who understand the innards of the martial arts.  I am more of a doer, than a thinker, but as a second degree black belt, I had better start learning how to become a thinker.  I have never really figured out how.  Without someone teaching me, how do I learn all this stuff?  Where do I find the information?  Online?  With my own analyzing?  Training harder?  Doing more defense techniques?  Sifu Brinker says that doing forms will help with some of it.  I do forms a lot.  A LOT!  I must not be in the right frame of mind when I do them, maybe.

I remember as an orange belt being told over and over again to visualize my opponent when I do a form.  That too was extremely difficult for me.  I guess after awhile, I gave up trying.  Perhaps slowing down my forms will help, but that too is hard for me.  I like to keep moving and I like to move fast.  I have come to realize lately that what my kids have been telling me for years may have some truth to it.   I have a real hard time being idle.  I don't like to sit still.  When I am idle or slow down, I have a much harder time focusing.  This is a very interesting observation for me.  One would think that with slowing down, one would have much more focus.  When I slow down, far too many thoughts enter my head for me to focus on any one of them.  When I am memorizing Mastery, I have my headphones on with music playing.  This helps me to stay completely focused on my thoughts of memorizing.

Anyways, I am just thinking out loud, and going on forever.  This is definitely a topic to work on, and to "think" more about.