The Why's of Life

I believe Sifu Brinker has a gift for always being positive and uplifting, even when he is pretty annoyed. Even still, when I walked out of his office a couple weeks ago, I knew I had been reprimanded. Being late for my classes was irresponsible, and my attendance at the Friday night classes showed a lack of commitment.

We had a good conversation, and as always, Sifu Brinker reiterated as he often does, how important it is for me to learn to lean on my kung fu family for support and guidance. This has always been an issue with me. I don't feel that close to my fellow students and I know I should. And there is no way I feel I can ask for the help of any of them. I have thought a lot about these things since we talked, and pondered on why I feel the way I do. I often over analyze stuff, as I suppose I did in this case as well. Why? Why? Why?

I haven't come up with many answers, but just some things for me to think about. For starters, I don't feel I deserve that support from my fellow black belts. Why? Because I am not like them. Why? Because I don't make kung fu a priority. Why? Because I don't eat, sleep, drink, walk, and dream of kung fu as they do. Why? Because kung fu is not my only passion. . .

Is that the root of all this, or is it because of boredom, because I have been doing kung fu for so long that it doesn't mean the same to me as it did years ago? I don't know, but I am certain that I don't have that same eager, driven, can't get enough kung fu, feeling that I used to have. WHY???!!! Should I even worry about the why's, of just keep plugging along?

I don't go to any extra classes, except the ones I teach. I love that class, and I do feel connected with the students that are there. I feel a great sense of responsibility to open their minds and hearts, and physical bodies to the life of being a martial artist. But I don't attend the 2nd degree brown class, or the weapons class, and not always my black belt class. It all boils down to the fact that I don't make these things a priority, and it has done it's damage for certain. I am reaping the negative consequences.

Kung fu is not all that I enjoy doing. I love rock climbing, hiking, biking, and dancing. These things, along with my kids, are what have become my priorities. I am very passionate about all these things, and when I have the opportunity to participate in them, I will sacrifice my kung fu to do so. My dancing and social life with my single friends, is a top priority at this stage of my life. I live for the weekends when we get together. It is something that I never really have had up to now, and I am making the most of it. I also have been single for 9 years now, and it is important for me to get out and meet new people. If there is a get together Friday night, or the opportunity to go on a date, I go. I don't go to kung fu.

Although I feel guilty about my kung fu not being a priority, I also feel at peace with where my life is now. I can't say enough about how much I enjoy the dancing, and the rock climbing. The hiking is something that I can only do in the summer so I get in as much as I can. The same goes for the biking. I don't just get out for an enjoyable stroll. I bike in the mountains, or up very steep hills for an intense workout. This morning I started out at 7 am for a 90 minute bike ride. I can't do that in the winter.

Am I thinking all this to make myself feel better? It's always real easy to justify absolutely anything. Is that what I am doing? Justifying? Should I give up time with my other passions to put more into my kung fu? I have no answers. I just know that getting up at 3 am Monday to Friday, makes me want to make the most of my weekends. I guess I can say that I do what I "want" to do, instead of what I "should" do.

I am not one to judge others, but perhaps that is exactly what I am doing here. I feel that I am different because of my diverse variety of passions. Maybe that isn't true. Maybe my fellow classmates have other passions, but they still make kung fu a priority. It is this way of thinking that gets me into a rut. "I'm not as good as them because I don't train as hard, I don't attend my classes, I don't attend any activities outside of the kwoon, I don't write amazing journals, I'm not a good example to others." Because of all these things, I feel I do not deserve the support of my classmates. I don't even feel I deserve Sifu Brinkers time. Why should they put their time into me, when I don't put the time into my group training, into community events, or into helping with demos.

Where do I go from here? Again, no answers. I do know, however, that nothing is going to change unless I make it change. The problem is that I have to want to make the changes. If I don't feel that change is necessary, it is not going to happen. For now, I am going to make the most of my summer. The older I get, the harder it is to tolerate the winters here. So much so, that I have been tossing around the idea of moving somewhere that has milder winters. So, for now, I will spend as much time as I can on my bike, in the mountains, and climbing rocks. Come winter. . .?