Inside me.

The year of the dog.....the year of self...... The year of self discovery. But it won't end there for me. This is just the beginning. The beginning of a new journey I have started for myself and it will last a lifetime. It is a spiritual journey, but I'm careful with the word spiritual, as it can lead people to think religious. It's not a search to discover a new religion, but rather a deep search into what is me.  If I dig into the very depth of my soul, what will I find?  What wholesome and unwholesome habits have I formed over the years?  Some of them are easily recognizablele while others are not.

Brenda is the collective characteristics and habits that have come about from 55 years of conditioning; years of experiences as a child, mother, grandmother, interactions with teachers, parents, friends, partners, activities with the outdoors fullfilling passions, work interactions, Kung fu interactions. It's all those things that have contributed to making Brenda who she is.  At least who she thinks she is. If Brenda is simply the ego inside of my person, then who am I when that ego is separated?  How do I connect with all that is around me?  What state of mind can I discover?  What shifts need to take place in order for me to awake to a brighter future?

I've been doing a regular meditation practice.  I also research a lot online, and in books, and my foster brother, Dean, who has some knowledge and training in this area is helping me along.  I am learning so many wonderful things, and discovering a lot about myself. I have a better understanding of what is wholesome in my life and my thinking, and what is not.  There are positive habits forming, physically and emotionally, and I recognize great changes taking place. Though I do not fully understand how, I'm not concerned with that. There doesn't have to be some scientific proof for why it happens. There doesn't have to be an explanation at all, and maybe there isn't one. I'm just thrilled that there is a positive shift in my life because of it.  I know this kind of practice will be just that....practice. Always ongoing. Always working towards keeping a clearer mind.

This past weekend, while visiting my (foster) parents, I had the opportunity to go cross country skiing in Kimberly with Dean, who has become a strong support to my personal journey. We ventured off the groomed trails for about an hour, winding our way through trees, boulders and steep slopes. It was so incredible!  Breath taking!  I couldn't keep a huge smile off my face. I was in my most favorite space ever.  I've always felt like my real true self when I'm in the outdoors.  This weekend, I discovered a deeper understanding of my feelings.  When I'm in the outdoors, I am void of all worldly distractions. It's me and nature. Me and the world as I like it to be; fresh, clean, quiet, peaceful, at ease.  Being in the outdoors calms my very soul, no matter what state my mind is in at the time. "The mountains shall bring peace to the people".  It's not so much feeling like my true self as I originally thought. It's feeling totally connected with everything around me; feeling connected with the trees, the snow, the fresh air, the earth beneath my feet, the animals of the forest. To me, that is a very powerful feeling. It's quite exciting, yet very humbling at the same time.

My Kung fu training this year, and in fact my ongoing training, is very closely related to my journey of self discovery. In fact they are parallel.  When I learn new things about meditating, I recognize so many similarities with my king fu training. Even the very history of kung fu and my meditation practice, has it 's beginnings crossing paths.  These next 12 months are only the beginning of what is to come for me in my life. Sifu Brinker has given me the tools to progress in my training of the arts. Dean is helping me with the tools I need to progress in my meditation practice. Through both of those, I'm working towards a bright and wholesome future. I feel my heart swelling at this very moment with the thought of it. I'm excited to see what will be taught to me from my experiences. I know there will be hard times, but I also know that for me, difficult times lead to stronger determination and a will to move forward. Those two lead to success, in whatever way that may be defined.

I feel so utterly blessed for the opportunities I have been given to improve myself, and discover new things about Brenda. I appreciate so much the people in my life that support me and help me to reach a clearer understanding of those things I am pursuing.  To those who give me direction on my form and techniques, and also those who whip me with a ski pole, pretending it is bamboo, when I make a simple error of misunderstanding. (And all in good fun). Those people know who they are.  I am overjoyed to have them in my life.